On Feeling Loved

     It’s easy to feel loved at home. The people you spend your time with have shown you a thousand different ways that they love you, so much so that you understand it deeply and take it for granted. One does not have this luxury when experiencing a completely new environment or living in a different country. You don’t automatically feel loved just for being with the people you are with. And that may be the hardest part about experiencing a new situation or community.

     Though white privilege has allowed me the luxury of instant attention and interest upon my arrival in Indonesia, I knew deep down that my new friends wanted to spend time with me and buy me dinner not because they got to know me and liked the person that I am, but because my skin color and nationality are novelties in their city. My understanding of this allowed me to see past their kind but empty exhibits of affection. What I have truly appreciated are the times when my new friends have shown me that they love me because they see me as an individual and consider me a part of their community.

     Today, the basketball coach of my high school’s team, which I have been playing with since my arrival, gave me a team uniform. I instantly ran into the bathroom and threw it on. I was ecstatic about receiving this precious gift from my coach. Not only did it make me feel like part of their basketball community, but the jersey had my coach’s name on it. This means that it is probably his only jersey, and in giving it to me he has shown me that he is truly happy to have me play with his team. Not because I am a tall white kid from America, but because I am his new friend and coworker named Matthew. I feel that his gift is a sign that he has appreciated my presence and is looking forward to the relationship that we will continue to build throughout the next 7 months of my involvement with the school and team. Today, I truly felt loved.

     And I truly love the people who share their basketball practices with me. I am so grateful to spend time with my new friends and students on the court. It is a time for us bond, not only through nice passes and teamwork, but through silly jokes in broken bahasa Indonesia or universally understood physical comedy. I feel loved when one of my students helps me to learn a new word in bahasa Indonesia. It shows me that he understands my interest in his language and wants to share it with me. I feel loved when one of my students plays a prank on me and laughs with me because it shows that he understands my sense of humor and wants to share his own sense of humor with me. I feel loved when my students make me do push-ups and run stairs with them. It shows me that they don’t see me as a special guest who deserves special care, but that they see me as a part of their team. Feeling loved isn’t always about feeling special. It’s about feeling like you are such a part of something greater than yourself that it’s impossible for you to feel special.